Today’s #SameHere Hero: Kaylee Cesario
You look at the young vibrant woman in this picture & then you read her trauma history in her story & you gotta ask, how did she have the strength to get to where she is today.
Verbally abused in her house repeatedly, between family homes, having her father abandon her, watching her sister get sexually abused by her mother’s new partner…& through it all, she yearned for the love & affection of that same mom who put her through so much pain.
Now a mother of her own, she is vowing it to repeat the same mistakes her mother made we her. Please welcome Kaylee, a true hero. Her story (1st time ever telling it publicly) is so impactful, but long, I’m posting some here, & in slides, & the rest will be up as the link in our profile later tonight.
“My mother emotionally & physically abused me. My mother abused my family members. My father was no where to be found when I needed him the most when I was scared. My mother’s boyfriend molested my sister, & they didn’t believe my sister, so she & I were taken from my mother when I was about 7 & put w my grandmother.
My grandmother didn’t properly take care of me so I then experienced bullying in school because of how I looked, dressed, & my hygiene. I had to start to begin taking care of myself. My mother was in & out of mental hospitals & I’ve had to constantly hear about her trying to take her own life, & her stomach being pumped for pills.
When I was taken away from my mother, she was granted visitations from the judge & she right away began bringing me around the man who molested my sister & she told me never to tell anyone & so I never did. My mother always put me down physically & emotionally. She’s the reasons for my insecurities till this day.
One day while there was an active case in court & my mother was trying to fight for custody of me, my sister notified me that my mom had signed all of her rights over to my grandmother & went to live w the man who molested my sister. I felt like I died inside. I didn’t understand what I did to make her give up on me. After I found out that information at only 6 years old I made the first attempt to end own my life. I tried hanging myself w the string to open the blinds but my grandmother walked in thankfully & took me down & it was never spoken of ever again in the family.
My mother was always the black sheep of the family & I always defended her & sat next to her in court while my family judged & laughed at her. I kept every secret & justified all of her behaviors & I even took what she said about me seriously & felt like everything was always my fault.
Almost a year later my mother wrote a letter to my grandmother asking if she could take me back, & my grandmother let her take me, & it was resolved in court. So, I moved w my mother to upstate New York & we lived in a Domestic Violence shelter for victims that were hiding away from their spouses. I was sexually harassed there at the age of 7 years old. I then moved to an apartment w my mother where it was built for victims as well as a more permanent housing.
I began attending school in upstate New York & I got great grades but when I began middle school I just began to hate my mother & that is where my spiteful and rebellious behavior took place. I felt like she took so much away from me & I wanted to take as much sanity as I could away from her so I began making really bad decisions. These bad decisions I made only affected me & I surrounded myself w people who didn’t care, harmed me, I harmed myself, I lost myself. In the
midst of trying to hurt someone else, reacting w anger, & being naive I began running away from home, getting into numerous fights, detaching from every situation because I was just so numb. I eventually went into foster care. I was getting into physical altercations w my mother, & that began to manifest into alcoholism. I was raped, I was homeless at one point & I even attempted suicide again & because of it I had three seizures & could’ve experienced severe heart trauma, but I thank god that I am okay.
I did anything to express my anger & pain. I chose toxic relationships because that’s all I ever knew. I ran away from anything that could’ve been healthy to me because healthy didn’t seem normal. I felt like when someone cared they we’re supposed to be violent & screaming…I thought that was love. I’ve been put down by many people & chose a really dark path that only made me pick up many negative characteristics & I forgot of who I truly was. I forgot my passions, hobbies & the joy I got just from uplifting people & helping anyone I could. I forgot how bubbly &active I was…& because of all of the hurt & pain, I chose to neglect & lose myself.
Because of all of the medication my mother had me on, I hated even taking a Tylenol or any type of medicine because I was traumatized. My mother began having drug issues when I was about 17. And when she didn’t have her medication she would go through withdrawal & be irritable, agitated…I would even see her shake sometimes & she would just tell me it was cold in the room & make excuses but as much as an abusive mother as she was, I knew that something was wrong & she was an addict.
I’ve been picked on, made fun of, compared to others & laughed at by my loved ones because of my situation & my mother. I now I have a daughter of my own & I go to school & I also just began working & this is the most difficult stage I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
I don’t want to become my mother, I’m terrified. Taking care of anyone else while trying to even smile everyday & just trying to deal w my past, myself, my mental health & just everything is very difficult for me. I break down a lot & it’s not easy but when I lay my head down on my pillow at night & recap on everything, I try to remember that I am strong & to continue. I try to keep in mind that everything is going to be okay no matter who tells me the opposite.
My daughter is worth everything & she deserves everything I never had, & more. I am currently in the process of letting some abusive & toxic people who actively hurt me, go. I am already toxic & I actively hurt myself enough as it is just battling w my mind & I don’t need anyone adding on to that but that process has been draining, heart breaking & rough. I try to pray & remain faithful & also remember that everyday I can work on myself a little more. I have many flaws & I am not easy. But I believe that everything will be okay will be okay w time.
I was diagnosed initially for having adhd when I was 4 years old & my mother had me on adderall until I was a teenager & I refused to take them. I was then diagnosed in the 6th grade & finally was classified as someone with bipolar depression. When I was manic, I felt like I was on top of the world, I was my most confident, but my downfall was horrible. Having a conversation w someone became a battle for me. Everyday is a battle for me. I feel like my feelings are enhanced by many people & I feel like at any moment I could be triggered. I’ve been consistent w my medication but sometimes I just feel like a guinea pig w my psychiatrist trying to figure out what suits me best. I can go from being the most confident in the room to the most insecure in just a drop of a dime. Many people don’t understand these feelings so that is why I try to spread mental health awareness as much as possible because not only does it remind me of what I can do for myself but it can help somebody else. I was also diagnosed w severe anxiety & ptsd.
I began to ask help after I had my first manic episode in highschool because I was terrified of myself. I wasn’t that scared of being manic because of how amazing I felt but I was terrified for my downfall and nothing was worth feeling that again. I currently began taking my meds consistently because I just feel like it’s the first step to growing mentally & I don’t want my bipolar to get worse.
Maybe one day in the future I’ll be stable enough to not need any medication but I need it right now & I’ve accepted that it’s okay & just because I take medicine doesn’t mean I’m like my mother, and it’s okay to not be okay. I learned that if a person goes to the hospital for something physically and they get treated for that then what’s wrong with their mental health being treated as well. Mental Health is just as important.
I’ve recently been singing a lot more, & educating myself more. School is the best distraction because I’m surrounded by learning, something I love. My new job is based off my education so that’s amazing as well, doing my makeup & just listening to music & cleaning. Spending time with my daughter & playing with her. Also some positive affirmations.
I’ve never gone public w my story & I think people might be in shock! I’m more telling my story for myself because I’m definitely stepping out of my comfort zone. If there is also any chance I have to make somebody else in this world feel like they aren’t alone then I will always be happy to do it. I want some people to know that I still struggle deeply on a daily basis & that it is not easy but with the support of one another hopefully we can raise each other up.”