Feeling Alone

I typically write these stream of conscience each day…but usually it’s bc an idea hits me & the words just flow based on gut feelings.

 

Today I feel like this picture…you can describe that feeling/face however you want (I’d call it – bleh)…but I’m just gonna wing this entry even more than usual, trying to figure out some internal monologue that’s swirling through my head as I go on. 

 

Tough days are inevitable, & though I want to be all rah rah & inspire ppl more than not, I don’t mind opening up what’s in this noggin at times, even if it’s not 100% positive. The hope is that I can inspire in a diff way – by sharing some deep things that make a few of you out there go – “yeah, I’ve felt/thought about that too…I must not be alone…& maybe we can gain clarity by talking it out.”

 

A couple of wks ago I did a post about loneliness…& how maybe, even when we’re surrounded by friends (I shared a pic from one of my favorite time in college, surrounded by a big group), we feel lonely, bc it’s a survival mechanism to get us up off our asses & out meeting ppl/doing things. I want to dive even deeper into the topic of loneliness however, & from a very diff angle.

 

If you live long enough, you see many relationship come & go – relationships rooted in romance, family, friends, coworkers, etc. 

 

We often forget how they came in, but we rarely forget how they went away, bc usually pain is involved. Unfortunately it’s usually caused by one or both parties changing/growing apart. 

 

If you’re like me you’ve seen your fair share of “break-ups.” Old friends not being invited to weddings…one couple being left out from “the group dinner night”…sometimes simply just watching someone’s priorities change & realizing you’re not on the same page any more or into the same things.

 

That relationships are based on a combo of emotions/timing/priorities, all of which can & do change, & little of which we have control over, does this scare the FUCK out of anyone else as well? When you look big pic, do you sometimes assess & think holy shit, I’m kinda in this world on my own? If I’m being fully transparent, I’ve had ppl confide in me after decades of marriage, they still feel alone.

 

I’m no doubt lucky…I shared a story about how meeting up w some of my best friends from college last week, gave me a jolt back to this connectivity I’d been missing a bit. That said, even in this particular group, some of the core has changed over the years based on strained relationships.

 

This is all prob why even the friend you don’t see very often, but who you pick up w & it’s like old times, every time you get together, is such a valuable figure in your life.

My heart breaks for the ppl who don’t have that. It breaks for the ppl who don’t feel like there’s a single family member who will have their back (regardless of the scenario & stick by their side). 

 

But even in my case where I feel like I’m fortunate to have sold ppl in my life, I do recognize relationships that have gone south bc either I have changed or their have changed.  So it’s a daunting feeling to think – if I’ve lost those ppl from my life – ppl who for an extended period of time were a big chunk of my world, what’s stopping that from happening w most anyone I’ve been close to for years?  

 

Should I not be afraid bc blood is thicker than water & you’ll always have fam? Should I not be afraid bc there are such things as lifelong friendships? Or…do you share some of the same “what if” fears as I do?

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